All of us have been in both of those seats; we have offended others, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, and we have certainly been offended. But neither place is a good place to be; a mature Christian who desires to grow up in Christ doesn’t want to spend any time in either place—either as the offended or the offender.

This episode and next, I’m going to describe what happens to us when we occupy either of these seats—the seat of the offender or the offended. And then we prepared a special handout to help you stay out of both! You’ll find it on our website at christianworkingwoman.org.

Let’s look at the seat of the offender. Offending others can either be intentional or unintentional. We must recognize both—those times when we really want to hurt someone, and those times when we have hurt someone without even realizing it.

First, what would cause us to intentionally try to hurt someone? The first thing that comes to my mind is that we strike back at someone who has hurt us. We’ve been hurt, so we hurt back. This comes in big ways and small ways. For example, someone may have said one sentence to you today that hurt your feelings, and before you know it, you reacted with a stinger of your own. Or someone may have passed you by without saying hello or treated you in what seemed like a rude way, and so the next chance you get, you respond to them in a similar fashion.

Those are small offenses that generate other small offenses. And whether the first offense was intentional, we respond in an intentionally offensive way because we assume it was intentional! Does this not ring a bell with you? You’ve seen it happen at work, at home, at church, in families, with friends and strangers, and no doubt you’ve sat in the seat of the offended in response to small offenses. The thing is, these small offenses can easily escalate to a long-term, hurtful cycle of offenses each person inflicts on the other.

There are many marriages, as well as other close relationships, that have been in a cycle like this for years, where one small offense generates another in return, and that has become the norm for that relationship—each person offends because she or he is offended, and on it goes. What is needed is for one person in that relationship to be willing to break the cycle. This is why Jesus said, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:39 – 41).

Jesus is not advocating we become floor mats for people to run over, but he is saying if you will be willing to break the cycle, to be the one who refuses to return an offense for an offense, you can stop this hurtful cycle and you can find healing in the relationship. But someone has to decide to get out of the seat of the offender and not return evil for evil.

Some married friends of mine say they have learned to give each other the benefit of the doubt. In other words, if one of them is offended by the other, before they assume that the other meant to offend them, they give them the benefit of the doubt by assuming they did not mean to offend, since they both have promised not to intentionally offend each other. I like that. That will break the cycle of offense before it gets started.

If you are in the offender’s seat, I want to encourage you—to urge you—to decide to get out of it right now, today. It’s really a miserable place to be.

But I think it is often true when we do offend someone, it is unintentional. We don’t stop to realize how words, attitudes, body language, and facial expressions—and all kinds of little things—can become offensive. We truly underestimate how easily we can cause hurt. Aren’t you usually shocked when you find out someone is offended with something you said or did?

I was shocked some time ago when a person I counted as a good friend began to strike out ...